GOD WHERE ARE YOU?
I am currently writing this in my car because my son fell asleep and I need every minute of this time to write (toddler life, am I right?).
Whew, this is going to be a hard post to write and honestly I don’t want to write it. Friends, it is hard to be vulnerable and admit the hard things in life. However, there is beauty in vulnerability. Vulnerability brings healing and healing brings LIFE. So, here is the truth about the past 6-9 months of my life.
I have been in a DRY SEASON. I mean like REALLY dry. If you are not a Christian, you may not understand what that means. It basically means that I have felt empty, alone and just dry. I haven’t wanted to read my Bible or pray. I occasionally didn’t want to go to church (SO NOT LIKE ME). And I want you to know that those things are HUGE passion points in my life. I usually want to read my Bible, pray and especially go to church.
I don’t know when it happened exactly but this funk started during the summer and it slowly got worse. This past summer/fall I felt numb. I don’t know if you have felt this way before but it is absolutely TERRIBLE. I felt disconnected, upset, moody, alone and isolated. The crazy thing is that I WASN’T. I have an incredible husband, an amazing son and great friends. I am surrounded by AMAZING people and I serve a good God. I launched my shop, I went on vacation, I traveled, I spent time with friends and family, I photographed weddings, I served at my church… I accomplished a lot. Even after experiencing all of those AMAZING things, I still felt dry. None of it made me feel better.
The worst thing is that I knew Jesus was the only thing I needed. BUT I felt extremely disconnected, like there was a tangible wall between me and God. I told Mason countless times that I felt lost in my walk with God. It took me A LONG time to admit that to Mason and he is my HUSBAND. I felt embarrassed to admit that I was struggling. He is the ONLY person I told because I honestly didn’t want to tell anyone else. I didn’t want advice, help or counsel (which isn’t a good place to be).
I felt so distant that I didn’t want to pray with Mason before bed (LIKE WHAT?!) and He would continue to pray for us, me and for our family. THANK GOD FOR AN INCREDIBLE HUSBAND! Side not- girls do not settle for anyone less that God’s best for you. In moments like this, you need someone solid and consistent. You need someone that will carry you and speak into your life. Mason has been that person for me.
I questioned God, questioned myself and questioned my calling. I didn’t even know why I was feeling this way. I just felt messy.
The best part about all of this is, no matter what I was feeling, GOD IS STILL GOOD. During this hard season God was still pursuing me and still is pursuing me. Even when I felt distant and alone, I wasn’t. Feelings are fickle. They come and go, but God is truth. He is consistent. He is love. He is everything I need him to be.
I want you to know that if you are struggling, God is STILL THERE. He will never leave you. He will NEVER stop pursuing you.
I am now coming out of this dry season (PRAISE GOD) and I am feeling so much better. I honestly am still processing the entire season and why it happened and I don’t have all of the answers. All I know is that I want to share it with you. I want to be real with you. I want to share the good, the bad and the ugly.
I am now reconnecting with Jesus and it feels GLORIOUS. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It is incredible. I feel happy, free and ready to conquer anything.
If you are in a season like this or have been, you know what it feels like. I encourage you to KEEP PUSHING. Never give up. God is pursuing you every day, every hour, every minute and every second. Even when you feel like He isn’t there, HE IS. Even when you feel like questioning everything, SPEAK HIS TRUTH. Do not let yourself stop believing His word because the word of God never returns void.
If you feel alone, dry or isolated, please contact me. The worst thing you can do is go through this season alone.
Deuteronomy 31:6 “6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
You have a purpose. You have a plan. You are on this earth for a reason.